Like any other days, went to school and attended the stupid extended program. Woke up at 7.20 and went out at 7.50. I tot I can be late but...not that late. My head hurts.
Went im taking out my foolscape paper to take down notes, saw the words that i've drawn. Recalled the times when Im crazy about him. Our names were drawn. Then Leslie saw me taking down the photos of it. He said dun let myself fall inside all these too deeply. Ya I know...i've always know. He just talked to me online abt what he and des wanting to tell me.
To my dearest buddy, Leslie:
All along I've always know that I'm opening myself to a heartbreak. Though I know I shldn't be doing all these to myself. You and Des have always warned and advised me abt the things I did but I nv listen. One thing is becuz I tot I was right. I've nv been so dedicated and involved in a r/s, and so it's definitely difficult for me to just let it go, letting it end this way. Salvaging the r/s whenever I can was what I always did. But the last patch, was my last chance that I've given myself. If it happens to fall apart agn, then I guess it's not meant to be. I've tried so hard...so hard to carry on. I didn't wanna self-destruct myself though. It's like another part of me that I've nv know. Filling up myself with alcohol is not the best way but to me, it's like the way to make me sleep soundly at night. I know I cant do this everytime, and I know im hurting myself.
Im trying to carry on. I don't wish to think abt it and tried occupying myself with stuffs. It's like...I've accidentally fallen inside the well of love. Thinking that I can have some fresh water and enjoy the taste of love. But halfway thru, I just lose my balance and fell inside the water. And I, now, trying to climb all the way up, out of the well myself. I can only save myself. And while I'm climbing, I experience the process agn, recalled the good times while I was on the way down into the well. There were too many memories, and that memories have turned into pain. And Im experiencing all those pain now. If I don't get over the pain, how can I ever love agn or overcome it? Im keeping things to myself cuz I dun wish to talk about it anymore. I just wanna gulp it down into my throat and forget about everything. But I wanna see now is the light.
You can see my sufferings whenever ure talking to me, but i cant control it because it is really happening to me. It's a impact in my life and nobody can deny it. You see my agony and the things i've gone thru. You, des and pat knew that I've tried so hard, which is beyond my limits. Now that u want me to return to the girl that u know, i need a lot of time. It's not just a day or two thingy. You know it cuz u've experienced it b4. I didnt know what I was doing, but I doing for the sake of trying it again, one last time. Now that I've realise that everything's over, I need to get over it.
Agony fills me in, sadness follows me. I dont want it. Rmb being confident? I wish I can possess myself with that again.
rose.
