xoxo, rosette

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

It wasn't a great day for me thou...I've blogged this afternoon and im here bloggin agn. Well nth much better to do. I went downstairs to meet up with Jasmine to have a long chat. It was really nice and I felt so much better. Gg thru all these pain ain't easy and thou I love to be alone at times, but I oso need somebody to lean on, to talk to. Being sandwiched between acceptance and love, it's really tough. Now that Im free from all these, I try to enjoy the taste of freedom. Maybe it taste bitter now, but maybe it will taste better someday ltr...

Under my block

With the accompany of the moon

So bored. I think i need a haircut.

It was alr 10 plus, and 2 fools sitting down under the block, chilling out, taking pics.

While bloggin, Kelvin talked to me online. He's having this problem that his ex ask him to go overseas to find her. He was really vexed and didn't know what to do. To go over, or not. Cuz he knows that things will get back to square 1. He's confused, he's thinking now. =)

Rose.

Like any other days, went to school and attended the stupid extended program. Woke up at 7.20 and went out at 7.50. I tot I can be late but...not that late. My head hurts.

Went im taking out my foolscape paper to take down notes, saw the words that i've drawn. Recalled the times when Im crazy about him. Our names were drawn. Then Leslie saw me taking down the photos of it. He said dun let myself fall inside all these too deeply. Ya I know...i've always know. He just talked to me online abt what he and des wanting to tell me.

To my dearest buddy, Leslie:

All along I've always know that I'm opening myself to a heartbreak. Though I know I shldn't be doing all these to myself. You and Des have always warned and advised me abt the things I did but I nv listen. One thing is becuz I tot I was right. I've nv been so dedicated and involved in a r/s, and so it's definitely difficult for me to just let it go, letting it end this way. Salvaging the r/s whenever I can was what I always did. But the last patch, was my last chance that I've given myself. If it happens to fall apart agn, then I guess it's not meant to be. I've tried so hard...so hard to carry on. I didn't wanna self-destruct myself though. It's like another part of me that I've nv know. Filling up myself with alcohol is not the best way but to me, it's like the way to make me sleep soundly at night. I know I cant do this everytime, and I know im hurting myself.

Im trying to carry on. I don't wish to think abt it and tried occupying myself with stuffs. It's like...I've accidentally fallen inside the well of love. Thinking that I can have some fresh water and enjoy the taste of love. But halfway thru, I just lose my balance and fell inside the water. And I, now, trying to climb all the way up, out of the well myself. I can only save myself. And while I'm climbing, I experience the process agn, recalled the good times while I was on the way down into the well. There were too many memories, and that memories have turned into pain. And Im experiencing all those pain now. If I don't get over the pain, how can I ever love agn or overcome it? Im keeping things to myself cuz I dun wish to talk about it anymore. I just wanna gulp it down into my throat and forget about everything. But I wanna see now is the light.

You can see my sufferings whenever ure talking to me, but i cant control it because it is really happening to me. It's a impact in my life and nobody can deny it. You see my agony and the things i've gone thru. You, des and pat knew that I've tried so hard, which is beyond my limits. Now that u want me to return to the girl that u know, i need a lot of time. It's not just a day or two thingy. You know it cuz u've experienced it b4. I didnt know what I was doing, but I doing for the sake of trying it again, one last time. Now that I've realise that everything's over, I need to get over it.

Agony fills me in, sadness follows me. I dont want it. Rmb being confident? I wish I can possess myself with that again.

rose.

About last night. Went out with elisa and min hui for a drink. Had some fun and took some pics tgt. they called cyn down but she didn't..we also encountered a embarassed moment..some pics i've taken.

The girls were late. Waited for them like...20 mins? no ppl.

Then a lot of ppl out of sudden. The ppl walking so quickly. Im so bored that time.

Took a pic of my heels. Im sitting down and my butt hurts.

The uncle's also very sian. No business.

Hot wings lols.Super nice..

Min hui and Elisa. the late'ers.

Painting eh?

Crazy ppl.

rose.

Monday, May 28, 2007

hmm...he don't see me, he don't feel me, he don't even know that i'm there. That's the worst thing u hear when u've tried so hard...so hard. He don't know what im thinking, neither do i. Tried to understand, but i've no idea, why am i acting like a little girl. He told me he wasn't happy, but he loves me. And because he loves me, he wants me to find a better man. He told me that the love he's trying to show is to let me out, staying away from his sufferings, and find a better home.

Maybe it's nv enuff for him, or I just want too much from him, i don't know, and i hope somebody can tell me what was wrong, what went wrong. Yeah he's not happy, and thinks that i've forced him to be with him, saying that no matter what we'll still be tgt, unwillingly. Kinda sad cuz it's not that u didnt try, it was bcuz u tried too hard. Too impatient to see the results, to go on in a long term r/s.

Ytd was a...sigh. It was the 1st time I feel that one hour is such a such timing. Knowing what can makes him happy, we stayed tgt for an hour, my last request. We lie on the bed, holding each other's hand, looking at each others' eyes. I want to make use of that one hour and will not waste a single second b4 i run outta time. My tears dun seems to be stop flowing becuz i know it myself, after that hour, our magic will vanish in thin air. And it did, and I see that coming.

"you know...we can be best friend. We can find each other when we've problem...we can go shopping...we can....." I don't wanna listen anymore. Keep quiet and enjoy the moment. To kiss and hug u as much as i want b4 i cant, to let u feel that im there.

" I love you..."
"I love you too..."

Arent u sad when im not urs anymore? I asked. And his ans...just touched my heart.
He said I can find a better man and at least, you've loved me, i've loved you, and once mine. Nobody can deny, and one day, i'l slowly vanish in your heart.

But what Im very sure was, you won't vanish. You said u wont get outta my life completely. And i'll rmb you, and think of you.

And our happiness...disappeared.

My love...don't go.

rose.

Meet up with clint ytd evening to pass him his stuffs and things just turn so emo. Sigh...I dun want it that way either. Then we stayed tgt for an hour plus, and i went back home after a sweet goodbye. I've passed him the diary that i've written for him. I took back his ring and keep it safe with me. After that, while on the way home, I just need someone to be by my side, giving me a safe hug. So i meet up with Elisa. We talked and I drink. Cuz im drinking with empty stomach, i've got myself tipsy. By the time i reached home, i've no idea what i've done. seriously...

uncle style of drinking. no money drink this. lol

At parade square, waiting to go to the hall. Im with the twist. =D

Chinese O level...shyt it. That not mine anw...lol

It like super hot and they want us to sit under the hot sun. ASS...

My chinese teacher brought us curry puff and fishballs after our paper 1. Very sweet =)

On the way back home..that qing en keep disturbing my peaceful journey to home. He just kept talking to me until the tv mobile diverted his attention. sick face...lol

Alright..tdy's O level sucks. arghh..anw im gonna go out soon with elisa and min hui ltr. I think i need to go out b4 my suffering starts tmr.

PS: my mum ask me to drink the rice wine and i feel like slping. >.<

Rose.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

27 may, Sunday afternoon.

It will be the anniversary tmr of our 1st date, if we're still tgt. And I just found out not long ago, when Im packing ur stuffs tgt.

The process of packing up, it's so miserable. Im here, sitting in front of the computer, doing nothing. There are so many things, so many memories. Im feeling down, depress,sad,heartbroken. I don't wish for anything, I just wanna live my life. But it's tough, very tough. For every memory that was made, has transformed into pain. Too much to think about, too many to reflect, heartbreaking when re-collecting all. Im praying hard for myself, and for him too. I've been convincing myself that things will nv be the same. Convincing myself that I've to live life without him. Convincing myself to be myself. Convincing myself to open up to someone else. But it's the hardest thing to do. For this very bitter period, I've been trying hard to occupy myself with work, with friends, with outings. But when there's any second of rest, things will just pop out of my mind. Songs, people, movies, couples, everything that I see reminds me of everything. How can it be?

My suffering might end soon, but how soon? Who will be able to mend my broken heart? Worthy, not worthy. The question is...love or not to love. My will collasped, my heart shattered. Closing my eyes, wishing for the better.For my journey is still so long.

Can anybody tell me, what's happening? I'm squeezing my heart, squeezing every love that he made for me out, pulling out the roots that he had grew there. But now, whenever I tried to touch it, I alr feel the tremendous pain. Cure me.

I thought i have the ability to make u into a better man, but I've actaully misguided u, misguided myself. I've tried too hard, I guess.

Once blessed, once loved, once pampered, once happy.

Rosette.

Went out last night cuz` I was so bored and dun wish to imagine abt anything negative. Everybody was studying for their O` level chinese and Im like...zzzz. I just need some fresh air man! So called my bro out. Went to town...went drinking...gone bonkers...

Dinner at Mos burger.

Dog's gone.

Fun shot of me while waiting for my dinner

drink my heart out.

It was 11 plus so i took a cab home. Went back home, bath, slack then fell asleep. And I just fell asleep til the next morning. How i wish i can just fell asleep so easily like that every night.

Friday, May 25, 2007

He's pouring "holy water". LOLs.

I was once in love. Too in love so i drew "love" on my table.

Lotsa waste paper under my table. It sucks...but i didnt bother to clear.

Yah...stupid face. Just bored in class ok..............

Sigh...While i was cleaning my table, saw this. Heard the heart-breaking sound?*piang~*

Let me intro to u, my dearest god bro. He was so molested tdy. LOL.

Table super clean.

Great acheivements. HUGS!!! Gayism always happen in my class.

Stop talking liao leh...yawns.

Congrats miss tan.

Buffet for her...surprise.

Our class have made a farwell party for her this afternoon. Full of tears. Leslie and i sang for her "LIVE" in front of the class without music. I kinda stuck halfway but got it thru and sang with confidence. Almost the whole class of chinese pupils cried and it was a totally emotional scene. Leslie, suprisingly, sitting by my side, and eyes filled with tears. Nv had I see him like that, full of emotions. The whole farwell party was sucessful. But wasn't able to snatch a few pics during the party. I'll post it as soon as i got it.

Love,

Rosette.

24 MAY 2007

Went out at ard 6 plus to meet hui xiong at 8. Both of us went pub-ing. Though there will be school the next day, i dun really give it damn. My parents knew that im not in the mood, and have been giving an irritating face. zzz...

So, i reached there early. I though i can try to be late. I failed...and reached there early. Complaining to him why he's so slow. Walked ard and bought a present for him. Very belated...lol. But he's like..." wao..not bad not bad...still got present."

It's been long since I meet up with this BEAR. Er...when I was 14 ba...? Ok that's young. I haven see him for 3 YEARS. Lol...we only occsionally chatted in msn. So when I saw him, he's still the same leh. Not much changes. Hmmm...

So we walked there, and talked a lot. All along I tot he's "woody". But I was totally wrong. A lot to talk, thinks a lot. Good drinker. Or maybe im a bad drinker. LOL.

Ya we chill out.

Had a drink b4, then ordered second drink. Nice taste...then hui xiong have a taste of it. Not much expression. Errr....lol.

Ok..and then like ard 10.30pm we went off. Well he settled the bill when I went to the ladies. So pai sei...haa. Anw thanks.

Most of our conversations are abt me and my ex. Hmmm...just wanna talk to somebody. After drinking, we walked back. Body was numb, legs are wobbly. I can't take alcohol much. Suck at that...

He took the train home but i took a cab. Im so tired and drunk. He hail a cab for me. Thanks agn. =.="

Reached home really fast, the taxi driver speed-ed. My hair, my clothings and all are full of smoke smell. My mum and sis were like..." how come........................." ya...u know the question.

Okie...i too tired to wash my hair and the next day i went to school with my hair full of cigarettes' smell. U must be wondering why didn't I wash my hair in the morning. Ya i woke up at 6.30 and gg to be late soon. Keep complaining to Leslie. But he don't really give it a damn. I was so tired this morning...

To be continued...

The last outing

Our last outing, end of love story.

Sunday, @ Marina square.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Went to the Sg's discovery centre tdy with the whole school...it sit was an awful night ytd and hopefully i can pull it thru. sigh...and now i realise who i really am. anyway...i still needa carry on with my life living without. cuz everything that he have said doesn't link to anything anymore. i wish i can forget abt everything, but it's difficult. on my way to Sg's, couldn't help it but weep. i wanna have fun with my friends, but it's tough. what to do? life's unfair. Rose Rose Rose...did i really force my boy and let him ended up like that...or wad? someday...we'll meet somedays ltr...i guess.

Took some shots during the trip. why is it a awful day cuz this theme is so ARMY. Fuck...i kept swearing...heaven's playing tricks on me. fuck it man...it sucks. went to the military school even, ask me how do the soldiers survive when they're in the jungle, and let me have a taste of their food. OH SHIT...i feel like killing that person just now. just can't stop swearing.

alright alright here are the pics.

haa...my fav. part. the army boysssss....WOO!!

on the way back home. thinking of lotsa stuffs, listening to a lot of music, listen to lot of recordings of him. the things he left behind. seriously, i admit i still have feelings for u. but i wish ur life's gg well for u too. thank you for making the last outing a very very memorable one.

xie xie ni cheng jing ai guo wo.

Rosette.